Hello lovely readers,
These past two weeks have really pushed me out of my comfort zone.
I’ve been wondering why I’m here and what my purpose is and if I’m wasting my time.
I struggle a lot with the thought of “wasted time”
Being good at time management is like 70% of my personality,
So if I have wasted time, then it weighs on me for pretty much… ever.
There are a few questions I’ve been pondering lately,
So I invite you into the wacky, tangled web that is my brain.
- What am I doing here? What is my purpose?
I wrote about this a little last week, but I’ve been struggling with my abundance of interests.
I want to do everything. I want to be everything,
and not just that,
I want to be GOOD at everything.
That is impossible.
But I feel like I don’t need to be just one thing and deny my other passions,
I can pursue my talents and interests and maybe find a way to combine everything into a way of life that will maybe include money one day.
Right now, I manage a coffee shop.
I adore this shop.
It has taught me so much about working with others, listening to other points of view, and showed me what I can improve in myself.
Do I want to work at a cafe forever?
No.
Is it my true heart’s passion to learn everything there is to know about coffee and running a cafe?
Also, no.
But I do love my shop.
I love it enough to step down from my position and look towards my other pursuits.
My shop has been a safe space for me for years,
I didn’t need to rely on a successful artist career or pursue anything too seriously because I always had my comfort cafe to fall back on.
I knew I would always be needed somewhere.
But maybe I’ve spent a little too long in my comfort zone.
I’ll always love that place, but I fear it’s time to move forward with my life.
I have no idea what I’m going to do, but somehow it still feels like the right thing.
I’m trusting in God, truthfully, to take care of me.
It’s terrifying, but I need to trust what He’s been calling me to do.
- Why did I spend so long getting over men who couldn’t care less about me?
I’ve thought about this a lot over the years,
but I’ve finally reached a comfortable conclusion.
In my messed up little brain, I never felt good enough.
I thought if I could get this impossible, unavailable guy to like me,
then that would prove that I was truly worthy of love.
And their ability to give attention and then rip it away made my brain spiral into high highs and low lows
and I became addicted to it.
If I was rejected, it meant that this love must be really valuable and worth chasing.
But rejection does not equate to value.
Sometimes I felt like if I could finally win over this guy who was triggering my low self worth, then it would finally fix me.
And when someone was emotionally distant,
it left room for my imagination to write the love story fantasy.
I wasn’t experiencing a great, star crossed love.
I was experiencing a man who didn’t care if I ceased to exist.
My brain would turn it into “well in another life… blah blah blah”
but there is no other life.
There is this life,
my life.
And I can’t take proof or information from a made up scenario to fuel my fantasies.
The men I loved never truly existed.
They were just characters I wrote rich back stories for and fell in love with.
I truly could’ve written them better myself.
I feel like there are always more questions,
but those are the two I’m currently hyper focused on.
Besides wondering if I have some undiagnosed mental problem (probably do)
or I’m ever going to have more than $1,000 in my bank account (probably won’t).
Right now, my goal is to write and process through it all.
See you next Friday
Love always,
B