Okay that might be a little misleading.
I used to listen to music all of the time.
While cooking, cleaning, taking a bath
and definitely every time I got in the car.
I have to drive a lot for my plethora of jobs and hobbies,
and I love love LOVE sad music.
I honestly enjoy being sad sometimes.
It’s very easy for me to be moved by something.
I’d say I’m hyper-sensitive
and I have learned to be very picky about the media I consume.
That includes music, movies, the news
Pretty much everything we encounter everyday.
I am very emotionally affected by the things I watch
and I’m not super great at regulating my emotions.
It could be a product of my PTSD or maybe even undiagnosed ADHD,
I’m not sure.
And before you ask, yes I have spent a lot of time in therapy.
I started noticing this whenever someone would recommend a new show to me,
Like Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones
I’d watch an episode and it would trigger these intense, devastating emotions
that would wreck the rest of my week.
And because my emotions are so intense,
when I am angry, I am very angry.
when I’m sad, I can’t get out of bed for a few days.
I crash out a little bit.
My days used to be dictated by my mood swings
and for someone who’s obsessed with time management
and has a lot people counting on her,
this did not sit well with me.
I’d start driving to a private lesson, put on a sad album,
and by the time I got to the kid’s house, I had been sobbing for 15 minutes.
What is wrong with me?
I thought so often.
Listening to this music would also make me dwell on past situations that ended years ago.
I wasn’t moving on from the past,
because I was re-living it everyday in my car by myself.
Being able to conjure up these old feelings has helped me in songwriting and acting,
but it doesn’t help me go about my day to day smoothly.
So I stopped listening to music
For the most part at least.
Don’t get me wrong, if Taylor Swift drops an album then it WILL be on repeat for 6 months even if I have to cry every single day.
But now I listen to podcasts primarily.
They don’t ruin my life as much.
I made a list of all the topics I’m interested in,
and found podcasts on those topics that have taught me so much.
I’m still learning about myself and what works best for me,
and I know how crazy it sounds for me to be a singer songwriter
who actively avoids music,
but now I listen to it as a choice rather than a go to.
Music’s ability to reach the deepest parts of me is the very reason I was drawn to making and writing music as a child,
I do see it as a gift.
But it’s a gift that I need to use responsibly
for my own mental health.
Here’s my list of podcasts that I listen to throughout the week in case you’re interested,
Sunday – Catholic Feminist or the Chat CTK (Christ the King) podcast
Monday – Crime Junkies (this one still makes me very upset, don’t get me wrong)
Tuesday – Financial Feminist (teaching me about everything money and so much more!)
Wednesday – Creative Peptalk (I am obsessed with this one. Every creative should listen to this)
Thursday – On Fire: The Survivor Podcast (for obvious reasons) or The Parelli Natural Horsemanship Pod or Going Wild (Dr. Rae Wynn9-Grants adventures being a wildlife ecologist)
Friday – Literary Speaking (great for those who want to write books!)
Saturday – Normal Gossip (as a treat)
If you have podcast recommendations, send them my way!!
Or if you know how to make my heart hurt less throughout the day, that could be helpful too.
Love always,
B